Wishing and Hoping…

Downtown Portland, Christmas Eve night,  by the harbor in the moonlight — the air brisk, not cutting, but with a happy chill urging one into the nearest warm door.  Downtown Portland, Christmas morning, in a street corner coffee shop selling bagels and cookies and pie — snow begins to fall outside big bay windows, and papers cease to rustle and laptop keypads cease to tap; wonder steals into urban hearts far away from hearth and home. 

Now I sit inside my little apartment, tucked into soft, soft blankets with a purring cat on my lap and another at my side.  Candles flicker atop my sweet little door side table, the one painted green and black that’s been assigned the duty of holding my keys and purse and umbrella.  Snow still falls, though more gently than this morning, in a soft, soft flurry outside my windows.  The neighbor across the courtyard has his window open to the chill; his black cat keeps tempting the ledge to lick melting snow from the sill. My babies could care less about the white wet so fascinating to me.  Their interest in the day peaked at the extra treats given with breakfast; they are now content to wallow in warmth and mock their foolish feline counterpart for the snow melting on his fur. 

 I was worried a Christmas spent so far from home and family and known joys would be sad, but it’s not.  It’s been filled with a quiet joy, but joy nontheless. 

 Merry Christmas to my family so far from me, my friends both here and away, and those kindered souls finding contentment known and new.

Where the kitties roam…

…Will soon be different.  My cats and I are packing bags and heading to the ‘Couve!  For those non-Northwestern folks, that’s Vancouver, WA.  Reasons for this dastardly deed? 

  1. I work in Vancouver
  2. I pay crazy state income tax to live in Oregon
  3. I currently drive a 30 minute commute twice daily
  4. I found the best roommate EVER

Seriously, she is really, really cool.  I went to the house to check it out (not a quaint neighborhood like mine is now, but super cute house) intending to be in and out with an application in about 30-45minutes.  3 1/2 hours later, I left stomach and cheeks sore from laughter.  It feels like a home should feel, and I anticipate spending lots of cozy time in front of the fireplace or out on the porch. 

 Sigh, things are going well. 

tis the season…for runny noses

I’m currently getting beat down by the plague.  Sure, they (being my mother and coworkers) say it’s only a headcold, but trust me on this, it’s the plague.  Ok, maybe not the plague, but definitely the avian flu.  To top matters off, I have ONE gift bought for Christmas.  One, out of dozens needed.  Does death by avian flu excuse me from Christmas shopping? 

Home is where the kitties are…

My kids are the greatest furry, purry bundles of love EVER.  I arrived home from Phoenix with a mild case of the blues, a raging case of the sniffles, and a persistant case of holy-cow-that-was-hard-I-don’t-know-if-I-passed-training paranoia.  Enter super kitties.  The second I walked down their Auntie Erica’s basement steps (and thank you Auntie E, for being the best temp kitty mommy in the world), they beamed.  I mean seriously beamed with delight at having their mama back.  That basement bore witness to the blissful reunion of the inter-species Trudell family.  It was poetic, at least until Bax threw up on the ride home.  What can I say, he’s a sensitive traveler.  So, the family’s all together now, back in our little studio.  The kids haven’t left my side all weekend.  I sit down – they sit on either side of me or take turns on my lap.  I sleep — they curl around my legs, warm and unyielding.  I awake — they chirp until I feed them breakfast.  Life doesn’t get much better than being welcomed home by those glad to see you. 

 As for the trip, it went well.  Arizona is gorgeous.  I had a much different idea of Arizona, and the reality was a pleasant surprise.  I’ll miss the friends I made, but hopefully will see some of them in the future.  I’m more and more excited about this career and the possibilities that come with it.  Especially now that I can dig in and put my training to use.

 The Grand Canyon disturbed me.  It is savage in its beauty.  It took my breath away and made me think of death.  Maybe it was because I felt so very fragile looking at this roughhewn void, but I found my thoughts turning morbid and left chilled from more than the cold.  Still, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. 

My life for the past few months has been nothing but one transition after another, and more change is on the way.   I’ve made a few serious decisions about my immediate and not so immediate future.  It’s nice to recognize the benefits of having changed and the rewards of change yet to come. 

Business Trip

I am sitting in my hotel room happily sloshed on 3/4 of a bottle of Pinot Noir.  This session of training challenges me as the previous one didn’t, and today was difficult.  I don’t like feeling stoopid; with this job, I may just have to get over that.  Our trainer, a hefty, self-involved and disorganized teddy bear of a man, ran us into the ground and earned our spite by keeping us late.  He struck fear into my heart by waxing poetic about how this training course is not for those A+’s who excelled in school.  He boasted gleefuly that this course is more of a “gut-feeling type of thing” than a “study a book thing,” and those of us who are good at testing are in for an uphill battle. Yeah, kinda was getting that vibe all on my own, thank you VERY much.  Without the aid of a study guide too, figure that.  Oh well, I enjoy challenge.  I hate stoopidity, but I love challenge.  Ha. 

Things I love about living in a hotel room (for basically the last month):

  • An invisible elf making my bed every morning.
  • Fresh towels I didn’t wash.
  • Room service.
  • That special Spring Break feeling without the actual high school/college association.
  • HBO
  • Per Diem

Things I hate about living in a hotel room:

  • No bad kitties snuggling with me at night.
  • Shite WiFi connection.
  • Limited clothing options (my suitcase couldn’t fit my favorite fat pants, dammit!).
  • Crappy decor.
  • No books.

On a super fun note, I will be visiting the Grand Canyon this weekend. I’ve never been and am uber happy to get the chance to hit some trails with my camera in tow.  It’ll get me out of the hotel room at least. 

Hope is the ability to see possibility

I just had an amazing conversation.  Today, when there is such a sense of disconnect, such a sense of detachement in everyday life, truthful, revealing conversations are rare.  I am beyond fortunate in my circle of friends.  They challenge, inspire, amaze, and confound me.  They also allow me opportunity to grow.  Today, words and ideas that have been hiding and seeking in my brain were allowed free expression by the generosity of a friend’s time and interest.  He didn’t shush me when the conversation went off topic; in fact, he encouraged and supported my blunderings and musings.  I feel settled in a change that has been taking place over the last few years.  Hope was something I used to scorn.  I don’t want to scorn it anymore.  I am responsible for how I live my life — all its glories and sorrows, all its opportunities and difficulties — they are mine to experience in a manner that creates meaning for me.  I embrace hope now as the ability to see the possibility in every action.  It’s an exhausting responsibility, it’s work, it’s life…my life.  Thank you, dearest friends, for helping me live it. 

dammit, how does this work?

Glaring irony aside, I am attempting this infernal blog in hope that those who wish to know about my transitioning life may content themselves with the snippets I plan (my lips to God’s ear) to provide.  Right now I feel kinda stupid…what the hell is css and do I even want to know?  You know, no, I don’t. 

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